For The Sake Of My Suffering

As I slowing sit up against the the tree.
I see the corn fields and hear the birds.
And feel the warm breeze on my face.

I have been here before.
A very long time ago.
It was different then.

Yet I don’t what that could be.
I can’t remember when I was here.
But the feeling still runs up my spine.

I lean my head against the tree.
And sleep overtakes my body.
The dreams take over where my thoughts stopped.

Yet they never give me exactly the answers.
They fly me around this field.
I look at the top of the tree.

I come down and stand in the field of corn.
Seeking answers for questions that I cannot ask.
Hours go by it seems and my eyes open.

The sun is in the west and I have a pain in my back.
As I slowly raise up I notice something about the tree.
Letters that seem to have been carved many years ago.

I can see the letters C and M and a plus sign and that is it.
I have no clue what they mean but it feels like they are apart this place.
I turned and I stood before a gate.

I opened it and walked through the rows of headstones.
None of them were people that I knew.
So why would I be here?

I fell to my knees and began to cry.
This feeling overcame me and I did not understand it.
Nor did I understand why I was so sad.

I turn and again I was back at the tree.
This time the corn was gone.
And there was sadness in the air.

OH, how I cried. I begged for it to leave.
I cried out for it to stop. I ask it why it wanted me.
Silence was the only answer in the air.

I woke up this morning and sat up on the side of the bed.
I realized I had not moved from this place for three days.
And I realized that all that I experienced. All I felt. All I seen.

All the suffering and sadness was because you were gone.
Not gone as moved away or took a trip.
But that you were dead.

Alone, I felt alone in the moment.
Lost, because I would never see you again.
Angry, for I would never be able to ask you to forgive me.

Forgive me.
All this pain, all this suffering, all this hurt.
Just because I will never be able to ask you to forgive me.

Just to forgive me.

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Cheating Life

I looked Death in the eye.
His boney fingers wrapped around the scythe.
The hood hid his face.
His other hand pointed at me and I felt his cold breath.

I pushed him away.
I said no in my mind.
Not today, not until I am ready.
His fingers fell to his side.

I cheated Death that day.
But I feel his cold breath on my neck.
I feel him following me everywhere I go.
I can feel his cold stare.

Death is just around the corner.
It lingers in the night.
Watching for you make a mistake.
Death does not discriminate.

Death can come swiftly.
Or it can come slowly.
As one who lye’s  on a dying bed suffering.
Or the one shot in war.

Death does not like to be cheated.
And Death does not know right from wrong.
Death points at you and his hand lay’s on your shoulder.
Then you can feel the cold hard earth that is your grave.

Death follows everyone.
Death is there behind that door.
Death is everywhere.
Death has your number.

Do not cheat Death.
For Death will follow you.
You will feel the cold breath,
And the damp cold grave.
The stone will be engraved with your name.
You will just be another soul perished from time.
Death will make sure that you travel to that dark damp place.
Death’s breath will chill the back of your neck.
Death’s breath will haunt you in your dreams.

Death neither lives.
Nor does Death die.
Death lives for one purpose only.
And Death does the job very well.

Do not cheat Death.
You may not cheat Death again.
Some people have cheated Death more than once.
Death follows and so does the cold wind of the grave.

Death lives for no one.
And everyone fears the Reaper.

 

For Myself

This is not my normal blog. If you have read the blog I posted earlier you might know that I lost a dear friend. I just found out about it yesterday and she passed on the 17.

She was very special to me as she was “My First Love.” They always say you never forget the first love oh and then there all those other first that you don’t forget but that is not why I want to say this.

I loved the woman from my High School days. I graduated in 1971 and we started dating in 1969. I broke up with her right before I started college. (Dumb thing #1 to do). Then I joined the military (Dumb thing #2 to do) and while in the military I searched for her knowing that she was also in the Military.

That is the short story. I have been shocked and am not sure what I am feeling right now. I can not cry. I wish I could. I feel no pain. I wish a little would help. I don’t feel a loss. I would hope I would. So I can not seem to nail down what it is that I am feeling. The closest thing I can put here is “Empty.”

So For My First Love. I DEDICATE all of my Blogs next week to her. Cindy Gayle (Moffatt) Gilliam. May she rest in Peace.
April 17, 2013