Discovery

It is not that you left me.
Because you were always there.
It is not because you stopped loving me.
Because you never said you did not care.

It is not because we were mad at each other.
Because we never had a fight.
It is not because you found another.
Because you were never looking.

It was because I did not pay attention.
To the look in your eyes.
It was because I did not understand why.
You would show up miles from home.

It was because I did not know I was stupid.
And let you slip though my fingers.
It was because I did hurt your feelings.
Because I did not see the love in your eyes.

It was because I was so young and so full of myself.
That I watched you go away.
It was because I seen you with another Man.
That later I would understand.

It was something I cannot fix, nor mend.
A broken heart I know I caused.
For I realize the hurt I caused.
Because now the pain I must live.

I do not expect you to forgive me.
I do not expect you to care.
I understand why you won’t take my calls.
But I do not understand why you never married.

I blame only me and know the truth I will tell.
For all that I have done to you I am living in that hell.
It is all over. The days have counted down.
And here we are so far apart.

Broken hearts can never mend.
I could if I had the power.
I know who you were then.
I discovered you in my heart.

And you will never go away.

 

1981

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For The Sake Of My Suffering

As I slowing sit up against the the tree.
I see the corn fields and hear the birds.
And feel the warm breeze on my face.

I have been here before.
A very long time ago.
It was different then.

Yet I don’t what that could be.
I can’t remember when I was here.
But the feeling still runs up my spine.

I lean my head against the tree.
And sleep overtakes my body.
The dreams take over where my thoughts stopped.

Yet they never give me exactly the answers.
They fly me around this field.
I look at the top of the tree.

I come down and stand in the field of corn.
Seeking answers for questions that I cannot ask.
Hours go by it seems and my eyes open.

The sun is in the west and I have a pain in my back.
As I slowly raise up I notice something about the tree.
Letters that seem to have been carved many years ago.

I can see the letters C and M and a plus sign and that is it.
I have no clue what they mean but it feels like they are apart this place.
I turned and I stood before a gate.

I opened it and walked through the rows of headstones.
None of them were people that I knew.
So why would I be here?

I fell to my knees and began to cry.
This feeling overcame me and I did not understand it.
Nor did I understand why I was so sad.

I turn and again I was back at the tree.
This time the corn was gone.
And there was sadness in the air.

OH, how I cried. I begged for it to leave.
I cried out for it to stop. I ask it why it wanted me.
Silence was the only answer in the air.

I woke up this morning and sat up on the side of the bed.
I realized I had not moved from this place for three days.
And I realized that all that I experienced. All I felt. All I seen.

All the suffering and sadness was because you were gone.
Not gone as moved away or took a trip.
But that you were dead.

Alone, I felt alone in the moment.
Lost, because I would never see you again.
Angry, for I would never be able to ask you to forgive me.

Forgive me.
All this pain, all this suffering, all this hurt.
Just because I will never be able to ask you to forgive me.

Just to forgive me.

Times Riddle

One who looks but does not see!
One who seeks but does not find!
One who reaches but does not grasp!

One born begins to die!
One who has died must be born!
One who has nothing will have all!

Light begat Darkness!
Good begat Evil!
Love begat Hate!

One who fears must overcome!
One who hates must forgive!
One who lies must tell the truth!

One who is is not another!
One who will will not!
One who tries will will try again!

One who is lost will find!
One who is found will rejoice!
One who hurts will heal!

For the Light begat Darkness!
And Good begat Evil!
And Love begat Hate.

 

Everything To Do About Everything

I know not how to cry.
I do not know why.
I know not how to grieve.
I know not how to say goodbye.

I am unable to understand.
I am not sure where I stand.
I am not sure if you are gone.
I know not know why.

I hope you forgive me.
I was not there for you.
I hope you know I love you.
I hope you know I always have.

I think you might know.
I do not know how I know.
I do not know how to cry.
I do know I miss you.

I do not know how long it lasts.
I do not know where.
I do not know why.
I do not know how to cry.

I wish I could say goodbye.
I wish I could see you one more time.
I wish live had a rewind.
I wish I would have tried.

I know that you are gone.
Though I do not know why.
I hope someday to see you.
I know my life will never be the same.

I just do not know how to cry.

To my dear friend with Love.
Cindy Gayle (Moffatt) Gilliam
Oct. 7 1954 to April 17 2013

And to my life long Friend
Tonia Dee (Wilson) Miller
September 20, 1952 to April 29, 2013

May they rest in peace.