For The Sake Of My Suffering

As I slowing sit up against the the tree.
I see the corn fields and hear the birds.
And feel the warm breeze on my face.

I have been here before.
A very long time ago.
It was different then.

Yet I don’t what that could be.
I can’t remember when I was here.
But the feeling still runs up my spine.

I lean my head against the tree.
And sleep overtakes my body.
The dreams take over where my thoughts stopped.

Yet they never give me exactly the answers.
They fly me around this field.
I look at the top of the tree.

I come down and stand in the field of corn.
Seeking answers for questions that I cannot ask.
Hours go by it seems and my eyes open.

The sun is in the west and I have a pain in my back.
As I slowly raise up I notice something about the tree.
Letters that seem to have been carved many years ago.

I can see the letters C and M and a plus sign and that is it.
I have no clue what they mean but it feels like they are apart this place.
I turned and I stood before a gate.

I opened it and walked through the rows of headstones.
None of them were people that I knew.
So why would I be here?

I fell to my knees and began to cry.
This feeling overcame me and I did not understand it.
Nor did I understand why I was so sad.

I turn and again I was back at the tree.
This time the corn was gone.
And there was sadness in the air.

OH, how I cried. I begged for it to leave.
I cried out for it to stop. I ask it why it wanted me.
Silence was the only answer in the air.

I woke up this morning and sat up on the side of the bed.
I realized I had not moved from this place for three days.
And I realized that all that I experienced. All I felt. All I seen.

All the suffering and sadness was because you were gone.
Not gone as moved away or took a trip.
But that you were dead.

Alone, I felt alone in the moment.
Lost, because I would never see you again.
Angry, for I would never be able to ask you to forgive me.

Forgive me.
All this pain, all this suffering, all this hurt.
Just because I will never be able to ask you to forgive me.

Just to forgive me.



It was just another day.
It was long ago.
And what seems, far away.

You came in our lives.
You brought joy and love to us.
Your laughter was a gift.

Yes, it was just another day.
But it was not long ago.
It was not far way.
When God called you home.

Many days we will feel pain.
Many days we will feel empty.
Many ways we will not believe it to be true.

Yet as each day passes and you are not here.
Will be another day that we miss you.
Another day that we pray.
Your memory is always with us.

You will never be gone.
You will be in our hearts and mind.
You will be ever so lightly on our lips.
To ask you how you’ve been.

We loved you for many years.
And we will still love you many more.
We hope you will watch us.
And hope that you will help us.
To know you are okay.

Thank You for your love.
That is what made you so bright.
We will remember you each day of our lives.
And join you on the next journey in our lives.


To my dear friend with Love.
Cindy Gayle (Moffatt) Gilliam
Oct. 7 1954 to April 17 2013