I Heard It Was Me


I love music. I keep it close to me all the time. Something I draw on to either make it through the day or to sleep at night and once in a while to inspire me.
In a song by Phil Collins he makes the statement that “I heard it was me.” He also says he would call you up but I wouldn’t want to waste your time. That made me have a flash back of a time so long ago. A time when life was much easier and to me must more clear than it is today. Yet that time was a hard one for this country but coming from a small town miles away from any large city we thought that this was the only place on the planet.
One day I. Yes, I caused the world to crash down on me. And then I turned the iPod and and listened to the song and believe it or not it said the exact thing that happened to me a very long time ago. It took me a little while to realize what I had done and a life time of not coming to terms with it.
So I see that my mind is my worst enemy. Unless I put something in front of me I can not get it off my mind. For years I wrote mental notes on what I would do and how I would do it. That is make up for what I did that day. But I had to find her. I searched and searched and I came close but never got there. And that made it even harder. My mind told me one thing and I would tell myself something else. I believed I could make a difference but that difference would never come.
When does life become clear? When does the fog lift from the mind? When will that voice stop talking and let me live again? Is there an answer? If so did I miss it? I can not believe that even though it has been such a long time that it can not happen again. And yet I realize that I am just fooling myself. I know that just like I knot that we are not promised tomorrow.
I was once a poet and then a poem and I wrote them down everyday. As they came I put them on paper and for the love of another I kept them all these years. She told me never to throw anything away and I did not. I loved her too but she gave me something different to use in my life that was more spiritual than anything else and for that I loved her. She is always on my mind because she taught me to care. She taught me to be myself no matter what anyone said. And so I did. Yet one thing she did not tell me was to watch my heart because it can fool you and you can loose it never to recover it again.
So from the beginning of this blog to now we see that the one thing I was not told about was the one thing that I did and I did it well. I said words that would impact my life for a lifetime and my mind reminds me of it everyday.
I see it on TV and I hear it on the Radio. I even see it at the Mall. One small thing can trigger the memory and the challenge that has been in front of me. I can not think of anything that can help me make peace with myself and I guess that I never will. I wake up each morning and go to sleep at night and I see that day as if it happened last night.
I can not sit still and can not talk to God. I can not find quite to rest my soul. My legs are weak from standing and my eyes burn from looking. I cry because I am lost and do not have answers but questions. And if by chance you see me on the street you will see a very sad man. I do not wish to be but I know that what I did was wrong.
There are days when I can get by without much sadness. But it is always there. It reminds me of what I once had and the time when I cared. Somewhere between that time and now I lost sight of what was important to me and let it go. But the saying if you love something let it go. If it returns it is yours, if it doesn’t it was never yours. I do not believe this but somehow it seems to be true. But the as time goes by each day that dream is just what it is a dream and nothing more. (sounds a little like Poe?) But I want to tell you that the dream is what has kept me alive and the feelings never die.
I will not let it go for that will mean I fail. So even on my death bed I will send my message to you. The message of long ago when I first fell in love with you.

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