Almost Sixty Years Of Living

From time to time (almost everyday) I set back and reflect on the past. I have been told I am like my Brother who lived in the past. Sadly I do not have my Brother with me anymore as I now have all kinds of questions that I know only he could answer.
So beyond the family history I tend to look at my own history. It makes me sad that I have made terrible decisions and for that I am very hurt. If I had not made these decisions I believe that I would not be what I am today. I would be healthier and stronger.
But when I reflect I see those that I hurt. Those that I did not understand their feelings and I ignored the things they were saying or not saying and for that I am sorry. I believe that I should have taken a different path in my life. After High School I became an arrogant teenager who was going to go to college and I felt necessary to leave everything behind and move on.
That decision would haunt me for the rest of my life. Because that was the beginning of the snowball traveling down a mountain getting larger and larger as it goes to the bottom of the mountain. That was where I went. I traveled down that same path of continuing making decisions that were wrong because of the one that I made before I left.
Now entering into another point of life I feel now more than ever the necessity to get in touch with those that I have hurt and to make amends to them. There are somethings I probably will never be able to fix and some that will never go the way that I would like them to go because of that bridge I crossed after I graduated from High School.
So when I am alone and listening to some music I replay all the things that I had planned to do so many years ago. But I would never get the chance to until life changes again. I could not get back once I left and now someone else is there and I can not go there. Yet there is something missing from me. It left me that terrible night when I made that first dumb decision. I never ask for it back and so they still have it.
I believe it is where it belongs and will never ask for it back. I would be overjoyed had the soul searching all these years that I could have changed things and not have hurt anyone. Because I hurt today for what I decided to do a very long time ago.
Sad, and lonely for the touch and laughter again. Yet, I know it is not there. I reach for it in my dreams but each time I almost have it it goes further away out of my reach. And again I would search and just when I am about to get it again it leaves.
This is not something that happens once in a while but happens each and everyday of my life for all these years. I can I tell them? I do I make the understand? And if so I know it would never be the same. Yet again I search each day and each day it moves just out of my reach.
Can one take to their grave this feeling? Can one never touch, smell or see that moment when I could change it and never make that decision. Can I then tell them and still get back the one thing that meant so much to me that I had to loose it before I could understand how much I needed it?
Life is short. So short that Sixty years of living seems like a dream that when you went to bed and woke up you had lived your life in a moment of a dream.
So when I live in my past I live in my grief and for that I will be punished and I know that I will never feel or see and touch the only thing that ever meant anything to me. And so Tonight I again will search and never catch the dream of a different path. And then I awake in the future. And as an old friend (musician) said, “You can never go home anymore.”
This is and always shall be the decision I made and the path I walked and I did it only because I was arrogant, stupid, immature, and blind to what was right in front of me. Defining that is all I can do. Reaching for it I will do every night and every day. Forever!


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