I believe in God who sent his son Jesus Christ to walk among us. He was tried and hung on a cross for our sins. And yes at one point in my life I doubted my faith. My marriage was going down the drain, then my Dad died. Then I got served papers for a Divorce.
You know that fighting with God is not a very good thing to do. Yet I locked horns and stated yelling at him. I blamed him for my Fathers death and my divorce. I blamed him for loosing my jobs and I just went lower and lower. God was not listening. I knew he was not. And I wanted to know damn why?
I took every little thing to him. I asked him why? I told him that if he really loved me like his son said then why do you keep torching me? What have I done to get on your shit list. (sorry but it goes with the story)! I lived two years blaming him for everything that was bad on God.
And never once did Job come to mind. I was so into me. Every thing was me. I became selfish and throwing me to God not we but me. Nothing worked. So I became angry with God and it increased every day. When all I had was a old beat up car that had holes in the floor board and not enough money to take anyone out on a date so that meant I did not do much socializing.
Let us back up though about (from now) forty six years or so. I became a true follower when I was in the 8th grade and by 16 knew that I wanted to be a voice for God. After two near death accidents I knew he was watching over me. One I had just got home from Church and a couple friends wanted to know if I wanted to go swimming. Half way across the lake I could go no farther. Two me saved me. My dad told me that my Bible was in the front seat of my car. Then on the way to college I rolled a VW and woke up in the Hospital. Guess what? My Dad tells me that my Bible was in the front seat. There was nothing in the front seat when I started out in fact they were behind the back seat and a door closed over them.
This was all I needed, so I started carrying my Bible everywhere. So much that it went with me overseas and back To three countries. It was given to me by a Primary Bible School Teacher back in the early 60’s. I still have that Bible today and it does not go anywhere now. It has become fragile and I decided to place it on my shelf where important stuff go and to carry a different Bible.
But back to the story. When joining the military the stuff I went through there and up to my Divorce put me in a downward spiral. I was ready to hit the bottom and the first one I put my hate to was God. I had seen to much dying. To much pain. I had worked in three high stress jobs. I was in the Military, Medic. I worked at the hospital on the ambulance and I was a cop and a deputy sheriff.
I loved those jobs but it became clear that they were bothering me more than anything that ever happened to me. I had watched people die, almost die and almost kill someone. It did not help that also during that time that my niece was going through some problems that I will not get into but when it was over I opened the doors with the Sheriff was by me trying to stop me and he could not stop me. So in front of the Judge and Sheriff I told a person that he would not be safe as long as he was in town and that I better not find him or it would be the last thing he would ever hear.
I did not care and I was young. I also had broken up with a girl that I went to school with that I had realized that I was still in love with her and I wanted her back. I searched for her for years and had made many plans how I would have get her back. I dreamed of her all the time. I hurt and knew that I had hurt to her. I became obsessed with finding her. It was all I could think about. It haunted me everyday and every night. I wanted her back. I needed her back but no how hard I looked I could not find her.
Now God may or may not have a hand in all of this and I may have done most of it since all us humans are just that human and have free will. So I still brought the hand of James down on God and I thought sure I was winning. I loved being alone because I could say out loud the things that I blamed him for. And there were many.
I was fed up with him. I was right and I had the golden ring and he took it away from me. He decided that I was to loose everything I had along with my confidence. So I drank some more. And I yelled even louder. I could not keep a relationship going and I blamed him because if he had let me keep the girl that was the first girl I had ever loved then I knew he was keeping that in my mind and letting everyone just hang long enough to like them and then pull them away from me just when I was getting close God would take them away and off to the Damn yelling and holding on to the God thing.
This would last a very long time. I would not step into a Church in good Faith and so I did not. I got married again in a Church but that was different. I still had issued with God. Then my best man (my wife’s brother) passed and then her older brother passed. He was a very good friend when we were in High School. And God was now punishing me through them.
It seemed as God was taking everything that I loved away from me. And I did not like that. And I would not acknowledge him because he was not acknowledging me. He would have to do some pretty amazing stuff for me to walk back into his sight in a Church and give him the respect that he wanted, until I got the respect from him.
When I was 21 I had a surgery that left me with less than 1% chance of ever having children. I had been married 6 years and no children so I was sold on that Idea and thought I was never going to have one. Again when all the chips were down I blamed him for that.
One Moment: I was told that a young lady that I had an affair with was pregnant and she claimed I was the father. I did not believe this because of what I was told and that I had never fathered a child since I became sexually active. So I told her it was impossible. We had met a couple of times after she gave birth and I seen the baby while she was pretty young then I seen her at the Rodeo in my hometown. She had grown a lot since the first time I had seen her but still did not believe it. Then one day a girl came to my mothers door and was told she was her granddaughter. Well my family got all bent and did some things that probably not to good for the situation but that is my family.
Well after three years of marriage my wife became pregnant and we had a sweet little girl. And twenty some years later I found out that I was a father in 1980. And now my 1st daughter wanted to meet me. Scarred and with some doubt we drove down (after she had sent me a bunch of photos of her and my grandchildren.
Well now I had two daughters and now back to where we left off.
God was the cause for everything bad and he would never get off the hook. Not until he brought to me everything and everyone that I had ever loved. I demanded it. I told God that I would never acknowledge him again. I was in full grip on him and was about to pin him. Or so I thought